7 Reasons & Remedies for “Misbehaving” More with Family than Others (#4-7)
Baggage, Unwinding, Criticisms, and Context
Below is PART TWO of answering the question from Sara Dietz who has a Substack, Whole and Holy which you should all check out. Click the link above for PART ONE (Reasons & Remedies #1-3).
(4) More Learning History; More Baggage
Because we usually spend more time with our family, we are more likely to have grudges, built-up tension, and past hurts which cling to us like an odor. We have a past, and our loved ones are often part of that past.
Alternatively, perhaps we have a past of which our loved one knows little to nothing about. We fear that past hurts will repeat themselves, so we resort to old habits born out of whatever trauma we experienced. We over-generalize our behavioral patterns and extend our rule-governed behavior to situations that do not apply. Even when we are safe, we can experience dread and the feeling that we will be irredeemably wounded.
REMEDY:
Practice gratitude for the gift of your loved ones and that the Lord has given you someone that was or is part of what you call “home.” Yes, I know I already mentioned gratitude, but you and I need to hear and heed it again.
Talk to your loved one about past hurts. Do not place the blame on that person whom you are telling — just be open and honest about your experience. Do it in consultation with a trusted third party if you are unsure of how to do this.
(5) Misleading Rule of “Home is For Unwinding Only”
For those who are more introverted or just had a trying day, there may be a rule of “I need to be social when I am outside of my home, and when I come back home (regardless of who is there), I recharge by being alone.” When that rule is challenged by family members who continue to “zap” that person’s energy or prevent them from recharging, there can be a violent response to maintain that selfish rule. Yes, I say selfish and will admit that I have followed that rule of selfishness in thinking “I deserve to rest rather than serve when my family needs me.” Notice that I added context to “I deserve to rest.” That is because God does want us to rest, but there is a primary importance in serving my wife and children when I come home from work in the late evening – “witching hour” of 5:15pm - 7:15pm is not when I should be reclining in my “Dad” chair. On the other hand, neglecting all rest and leisure, or making it impossible for my spouse to do this, is another extreme to avoid. We are called to contemplative rest and life-giving leisure.
It may be easier to be “virtuous” with people outside the home because we know the time is limited and usually briefer. Being at home is typically for a longer duration — requiring more patience — especially on the weekends or after a long of day of labor — requiring perseverance. In a recent article, C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters is quoted in order to caution readers about imagined virtues. The article focuses on how we can project our perceived virtues onto news stories with our emotional responses yet fail to act upon the immediate needs of those around us. I get something similar, but different from the following quote in which a demon (Screwtape) advises his nephew (Wormwood) to channel a person’s “malice” and “benevolence” already present in a person’s heart:
Do what you will, there is going to be some benevolence, as well as some malice, in your patient’s soul. The great thing is to direct the malice to his immediate neighbours whom he meets every day and to thrust his benevolence out to the remote circumference, to people he does not know. The malice thus becomes wholly real and the benevolence largely imaginary.
I think we can do similar things by reading articles like this – idealizing being a better parent, spouse, member of a religious community, or loved one to those who are “closest” to us. We might even get the sensation of “wow I’m so much better for having read this (or written this) – I must be so holy!” when in fact we are further away from the virtue to which we aspire. I have certainly experienced this temptation in being a husband to my wife, father to my children, and brother in my community of Youth Apostles.
Relatedly, there may be a deeper frustration that “I should have my home life put together!” This is just another manifestation of pride and/or being impatient with ourselves and others, depending on the specific frustration itself.
REMEDY:
Back to the misleading rule of “home is for unwinding,” this quote from C.S. Lewis applies because we can have an imagined perception of what virtue should look like with our loved ones rather than the idealized, “heroic” virtues practiced in a more publicized manner. Home is not for relaxing. Home is for prayer, service, and leisure with loved ones, even for those who sleep alone and live alone. The implication is that we are called to hospitality, as well. Concrete virtues at home take the form of:
Saying a charitable comment where there used to be a sarcastic remark
Putting on a cheerful demeanor during periods of abstinence when there used to be moping and whining
Patiently asking for clarification from what the other person said where there used to be jumping to conclusions and/or acting visibly hurt as a way to punish the other person
(6) Criticisms sting more when they are accurate (from people who actually know us)
We are more at risk to experience critique and challenges in the comfort of our own home because others see us at our most vulnerable. Therefore, anything said will most likely be received in this way: “I know you. I see you. Here is what is wrong with you and/or what you are doing.” This means we hold a difficult responsibility on our end to be careful with our words when we speak to those of whom we are most intimately knowledgeable – they pack more of a punch precisely because we know their “weak spots.” What tenderness with which we should speak! What gentleness, compassion, and mercy with which we should communicate a love that says, “you are safe with me – I desire your good! I also will not leave you despite knowing you so well because I focus more on your goodness than your weaknesses.”
REMEDY:
Tell the other person, “I know I have faults, and you know those faults better than most people. That’s why I want to be more grateful for you loving me moving forward. Thank you for being there for me. I love you.”
My fellow Christian BCBA, as well as a continual editor and great source of encouragement, had this to add “we may go as far as to ask the other person for their support and honesty with a fault we would like to improve on.” Thank you, Sherry. It is so important that we open ourselves up in freedom to allow others in challenging us. We are called to live out the Spiritual Works of Mercy in addition to the Corporal Works of Mercy (Mt 25: 35-36), but do we allow others to do these works for us, especially the Spiritual Works (e.g., instructing the ignorant, admonishing the sinner)?
In the other direction, we may ask the other person, “You have mentioned that you want to improve this area of your life. In what ways can I support you more in this area because I love you and desire your good.” Strive to do this in a context of a loving relationship because loving relationships are fundamental.
(7) Context, Context, Context!
Sometimes it truly does depend more on the immediate context - the specific topic being discussed, the persons involved, how much food or sleep you had, etc. Sometimes, we are motivated to get specific kinds of reactions from people whom we anticipate will react in certain ways, knowing that the person can’t escape the situation. Spending holidays with extended family or others whom we would not regularly see can expand the opportunities for these kinds of interactions. There is a danger of confirmation bias when the only time we have to spend with certain family members are during holidays, funerals, reunions, etc. We may even plan to be hurt and offended, or we plan to hurt and offend. God help us. It does not need to be this way.
REMEDY:
There are unique circumstances in every time and place, some with especially different circumstances. Pay attention to your context! You exist in time and space. Things happen before your behaviors which can evoke them. Things happen after your behaviors which can maintain them. You are not immune to your context and your behavior does not happen in a vacuum. You are not the Unchanging God with a perfect will. You are an acting person within an environment and with a limited, contextualized free will.
With awareness of the context and the virtues of docility, humility, gratitude, and fortitude, we can move forward with (1) greater self-awareness and environmental awareness using our intellect, (2) greater self-control with our will, and (3) greater affection for others as objectively beautiful with our heart – all with grace from God Who enables us to love as He loves.
A Lesson From the Gospel
Some of you may be reading this and plotting how to lovingly correct someone close to you for acting out – “you’re taking advantage of my commitment to you by failing to be virtuous – please see this mediocre article from some Catholic guy saying you need to do better.” By now, I hope you see that these reflections are an invitation to you and myself to do better. Our loved ones deserve our best because they are most often the ones to whom Jesus has charged us to serve, honor, respect, and sacrificially love in mercy and gratitude.
Jesus has given us a beautiful example in loving and honoring his parents for 30 years before His public ministry. Is our work more important than our family? Is our ministry more important than our fellow priests or consecrated in our household? Let’s learn from meditating on the Holy Family – not in that they were free from suffering, but that they were free in love. They loved each other with a unique depth and intimacy that was devoid of fear.
Now when Jesus finally did start His public ministry, He reminded everyone the following:
“A prophet is not without honor except in his native place and among his own kin and in his own house.” – Mk 6:4
If you are trying to be a “prophet” to your family member or fellow consecrated, do not be surprised if you experience dishonor, being misunderstood, some degree of defensiveness and anger, or a lack of gratitude for you “speaking the truth,” no matter how lovingly you believe you said it. You could in fact speak the truth lovingly, in actuality, and still experience rejection. Didn’t Jesus experience this with Judas? It’s always best to consult trustworthy people in our lives before we confront our family members. Better to first confront ourselves by removing beams from our eyes before we come at others’ eyes with our tweezers to get pesky splinters.
In conclusion, there are many reasons why you and I struggle to act in love towards the closest people in our lives. Some of those reasons are readily observable. Some require others’ observations. All need the light of God in order to understand more fully how He wants His grace to help us transcend our limited capacities and heal our brokenness.
May God bless you for reading (or even skimming) this far.
Sincerely,
The Catholic Behavior Analyst
If you liked this article, please consider sending $1 or more to my wife, Rachel. Any donations go directly to her because she is the one who makes sacrifices for me to write. You can Venmo her at @Rachel-Clem-2
Bio & Disclaimer:
Joseph (Joey) Clem is a Catholic licensed behavior analyst in Virginia. He is a husband, father, and lifetime full member in Youth Apostles. He works primarily with children diagnosed with Autism and volunteers in youth ministry. This article does not constitute professional advice or services. All opinions and commentary of the author are his own and are not endorsed by any governing bodies, licensing or certifying boards, companies, or any third-party.
REFERENCES
Lewis, C.S. (1942). The Screwtape Letters.
Obsessed with this series. Thanks for humoring me 🙏🙌
Love this all so much!